GREG GUTFELD: Dems say the biggest threat on Earth is the ‘big orange monster man’

Happy Tuesday everyone. So we’re less than two weeks into the new year, and not much has changed from 2023. I’m still under 7% body fat. Kilmeade still writes at a fourth grade level. And the biggest threat on Earth? Big orange monster man. Take this recent piece from Axios, which points to the former president as “the risk that trumps all others.” “A second Trump term would be far more radical than the first, committed to stretching legal and governance boundaries and to pursuing retribution for the prosecutions he’s been fighting since losing office. Trump’s protectionist and isolationist tendencies would also terrify NATO while creating an opening for China. As a global threat, he is unrivaled.” So, how is that a problem? I for one, would like a second term that’s more radical than the first. Maybe we’ll get that wall we were promised huh? And I will get a cabinet position as secretary of abs. 

But what’s all this hysteria based on? You had four years at Trump already, Axios and none of your f***** word salad happened. But also, neither did war. Doesn’t that count for something? But if they admitted that they couldn’t create a distraction by preaching imaginary doom and gloom. Which brings me to Michelle Obama. The former first lady is now super afraidy. So, what is going to happen in the next election? I bet she’s terrified about what can possibly happen. 

MICHELLE OBAMA SAYS SHE’LL NEVER FORGIVE TRUMP OVER BIRTHER CONSPIRACY: MEMOIR

MICHELLE OBAMA: What’s going to happen in this next election? I am terrified about what could possibly happen because our leaders matter, who we select, who speaks for us, who holds that bully pulpit. It affects us in ways that sometimes I think people take for granted. 

True, Barack’s so scared he changed his name back to Barry Sotero. But no doubt Michelle’s scared. Scared the Dems are going to lose because the real problem for Michelle is people are stupid. Because, you know, the fact that people think that government, you know, doesn’t really do anything. And I’m like, oh my God. 

MICHELLE OBAMA: You know, the fact that people think that government, ehh, you know, doesn’t really even do anything. And I’m like, oh my God, does government do everything for us? And we cannot take this democracy for granted. And sometimes I worry that we do. Those are the things that keep me up.

Hmmmm, that tells you all you need to know about Democrats. People are the problem and the government is always the solution. And guess what side Michelle is aligned with? And sure, the government wants to do everything for us, but that doesn’t mean they must. That’s not the point of this country. We’re individuals, not cogs. We are a free people, free to pursue our aims without the intrusiveness of an ever-encroaching power-mad government. Which is why our side doesn’t feel compelled to call 911 when we’re misgendered. She says “we cannot take this democracy for granted” and sometimes I worry that we do. Which confuses me. Aren’t people trying to vote for Trump? And is it her party that’s preventing that? That’s the idiocy in a nutshell. How can we have a democracy when people can vote for whoever they want? That’s like saying, I don’t objectify women as long as they’re not fat or unattractive. And Trump’s so scary you can’t even debate him. That’s what some Dems say, claiming it will just expose his extremist views. You know, like speaking coherently and not shaking hands with dead people. But let’s be honest, they’ve seen Joe on stage get taken out by a sandbag. Imagine what Trump will do to him. I wonder what else keeps Michelle up. The things she knows? 

MICHELLE OBAMA: What keeps me up are the things that I know. Um, the war in the region, in too many regions. What is AI going to do for us? The environment, you know. Are we moving at all fast enough? What are we doing about education? Are people going to vote? And why aren’t people voting? Are we too stuck to our phones? I mean, those are the things that keep me up because you don’t have control over them. 

MICHELLE OBAMA SAYS THERE’S ‘ZERO CHANCE’ SHE’LL RUN FOR PRESIDENT: ‘IT’S JUST NOT FOR ME’

Mhm. She needs some Relaxium. Wars in too many regions, which have all started within the last three years, haven’t they? What a coincidence. She’s like, let’s keep the wars where they belong- in this country against bakeries and parents. Education? She’s got a point there, but that’s why we’ve got parents showing up at PTA meetings, angry about the crap their kids are being taught by our fellow woke knuckleheads. When Trump was president, two plus two equals four. Now, it equals hormone shots and cross-dress Thursdays. 

Of course, what she’s really scared about is losing control. And if Trump wins, boy will she. Without mentioning him by name she said this. 

MICHELLE OBAMA: The tone and tenor of the message matters. We can’t just say what’s the first thing that comes to our minds. We cannot. That is not authenticity. To me, that’s childish. And we see childless leadership right before us, what that looks like and how that feels; where somebody is just base and vulgar and cynical in a leadership position. 

Hmmm, but she’s right. We can’t have politicians who behave like children. Democrats will try to transition them. So 2024 is starting to look like a rematch between the same two dudes. The difference is one wants you to vote for him, and the other wants to stop you from voting for anyone who’s not him. But the truth is, Dems say this crap about every Republican, every election, even Mitt was Hitler for a while. Remember when they accused Romney of giving a lady cancer and they actually claimed Mitt was evil for putting his dog on the roof of his car? That is until someone pointed out that Obama had put dogs on the roof of his mouth. Yeah, Obama once ate a dog. He bragged about it in one of his biographies. 

OBAMA AUDIO: And, away from the dinner table, I was introduced to dog meat (tough), snake meat (tougher) and roasted grasshopper (crunchy).

But how smooth is Barack? Working the dog eating with snakes and crickets like we wouldn’t notice. Yeah. I’ll have a cricket salad, some fried snake and Old Yeller. Again, the Dems keep predicting how terrifying Trump will be as if he wasn’t already president once when things were better. They’re hyping a horror movie when it’s the sequel to a feel good comedy with punch lines but no bread lines. They want to blame everything on him. But the truth is, he mostly left us alone. And that’s what we all want. To be left alone. Trump didn’t tell you what kind of car to drive or food to eat. He didn’t care. If you didn’t like Big Macs, that meant more for him. Look, I don’t want the government doing pretty much anything for me because they suck at everything. Well, everything but lying and dividing. 

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And while they worry about Trump, they ignore what’s truly scary. Like how this thing that does everything for us can’t keep track of anything. The trillions they printed out and gave out during Covid. The millions of illegals. The crime on our streets. Our Secretary of Defense. This White House couldn’t even keep cocaine out of the White House. If this administration were your babysitter, you’d come home and your kid would be drunk, missing and on puberty blockers. That’s the government that keeps demanding to help me. No, thanks. I’ll take my chances. At least with Republicans, they know government sucks, which makes them better at it.